An Extremely Important Topic that Must Be Discussed for the Continued Survival and Preservation of Mankind as We Know It

Over the years, many people have debated and quibbled over what is most important in our lives. Should we be hard workers? What is work? Why do we do it? What is morality? What are ethics? Which is better, Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese Doritos? Why is math so inherently evil? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a totsie-pop?

All of these are important questions. All, however, pale in regards to the most important question:

What does one do in the case of a zombie apocalypse?

Now, for those of you uneducated folk out there, there are really two types of potential zombie apocalypses. (Apocalypses? Apocalypsii?) The first is the re-animation of the dead by some dark spirit. These zombies tend to be very slow - however, they can generally only be killed by hacking them to pieces. No matter where you go, they will find you.

Pray that that kind never happens.

However, the other option is the zombie-virus apocalypse. In this scenario, zombies are not the dead - simply the infected. Physical contact with these zombies in any way other than brief touch can and probably will lead to infection. In this situation, you stand at least a little more chance of surviving, however.

The moment you receive word that the virus has broken out, there are two things you need immediately. The first is shelter. Running about in the streets is the first and best way to end up either dead or a zombie. In some situations, mobile cover may be best - a large van, for instance, or a Hummer. Of course, you want to have taken prior precautions and installed standard bullet-proof glass, spiked tires, and perhaps guard bars over the windows. Just in case.

The other thing you need is weaponry. There is no real way to survive a zombie apocalypse without a shotgun. It just doesn't work.

Many people say different things about what kind of weaponry is ideal for this situation. Some say melee weapons. I say that that's an idea even worse than idiotic, as the zombies will tear you to shreds before you finish chopping though the first one. You want to go with guns. Sure, they have limited ammo - but in a world full of zombies, you'll find that the people who once owned the guns and ammo store are now more interested in eating their neighbor's brains. This leaves practically all the resources you need available for the taking.

Of course, military grade weapons are the best. Zombies generally don't feel pain, so headshots are all that count - you'll want an assault rifle (think M4's, M16's, Scar's, etc.). Finding weapons and ammo mean you get to live a little longer.

You'll probably want to buddie up with some fellow non-zombies and find a little place to hide. Many people think hiding in the woods is the best idea, and to an extent they may be right - as long as the zombies never find you. The problem is that in the forest you have severely limited line-of-sight, as well as crappy ground to run over. It's better to board yourself up in a mansion on the rich side of whatever town you live in. There you can have a base and begin to organize ammo, weapons, and food raids while still being able to defend your turf.

The fact is, surviving a zombie apocalypse is a time thing. Eventually, they'll run out of fresh humans to eat - that means that they'll either A) Eat you (we want to avoid this one) B) Starve to death (that's a good thing) or C) Start eating eachother (an even better idea). As long as you can keep from being eaten and keep food in your belly, you stand a fair chance of making it to whatever world will follow the destruction of civilization.

A number of things to beware of:
1. Little children.

During a zombie apocalypse, you are duty bound to save ever little girl you see, as they will no doubt somehow save humanity. Little boys, on the other hand, will always either lead to the death of your squad or actually be a zombie. Fear them.

2. The loner.

If there's a loner in your squad, he's going to betray you/steal your girlfriend/kill you/steal your girlfriend and kill you while betraying you. Just go ahead and feed him to the zombies.

3. Zombies that look like people you knew.

Sorry, but they're not there deep down inside. They're zombies. They won't think twice about eating your brains, so you can't think twice about pulling the trigger on your trusty shotgun. So don't.

4. Government Broadcasts

These are always a trap. Always. If the government wants to help so badly, it can come to you. Otherwise, by the time you get to the RZ, either A) All the choppers will have left B) All the solders at the RZ will have been eaten/turned already or C) The government is running on its normal clock and doesn't show up until about three months after you've been eaten.

You might laugh, but these things are serious. Zombies are a very real part of our hypothetical future...

James
Zombie Survivalist, Mad Tactical Genius, Brilliant Planner, etc., etc.